Otaku's diary

Weary with the world

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Saturday, May 24, 2006 - 11:06 a.m.

I'm getting disheartened. The UN still won't give Philanthropy any recognition as an organization despite all the proofs we throw - oh no, we have to maintain a constant level of success before they'll do a damned thing. Politics. I hate it.

I recovered okay last week, and took a few days just lazing around.

Dave's as upset about the whole thing as I am... he's been really moody for most of the morning, since we got the letter. I'm dealing okay, I'm used to little setbacks. I think he's just beyond "used to it" - to the point of completely fed up.

This one is entirely in Philanthropy HQ's hands. I just hand over my evidence, it's up to them to do something.

It's probably why we took on a more direct approach. All this talk... it drives me insane.

I think I'll go do something calming. Watch a DVD. Cheer Dave up (okay, that's not calming. But when he's calm, so am I). Walk. Anything.

Mood: Angry

Friday, May 16, 2006 - 04:54 p.m.

... This is the first time I've been outta bed for the last few days. I've been really sick. Which is weird. I'm usually quite resistant to colds and coughs... I spent almost a year in Alaska, damn it.

At least I got nursed. Sort of. And I got some time to rest, even if I felt like absolute crap. ... ehh. Okay, I was trying to find a bright side to it. I don't think there is one, really.

I'm still cold and shivery, but I'm a bit better. I'm now checking up on my flooded e-mail inbox and how much progress I've been making with some interesting downloads...

... Uh oh, I think I can hear him coming up the apartment stairs. Back to bed and looking ill so I don't have to do chores... (he's heartless)

Mood: Sick

Saturday, May 10, 2006 - 09:00 p.m.

Ugh, apologies for not being online at all. Things have been messy.

Straight after our break, I got a lead - and I then regretted taking the time off. It was a Metal Gear REX clone, naturally. No modifications to the original specifications at all. I'd found details of it being put up for sale to a pretty shady organisation - I say shady, but I have no idea what they're like. I didn't have time to worry about such a detail. The thing was due to be sold in under 48 hours. I had its current location, but if it got sold, it could go anywhere, and the customers - they could have been terrorists, or madmen. It was instantly decided there was no way in hell we'd get photographic evidence to the UN on time to stop the sale. Photographic evidende is worth nothing if it appears to dissapear off the face of the earth.

Dave and I planned hurriedly, as displeased as he was about the haste (he, after all, takes planning seriously - not surprising as he's the one doing the more dangerous share of the work). There was no way around it. Philanthropy gave us approval, and the only way to effectively rid the Metal Gear was by destroying it. As we had limited information to go on, we got Snake loaded with C4s to place on its weak points (I knew where to find them), should it be we would be unable to find a self-destruct mechanism in time.

The whole time, my stomach was twisting crazily. I was really scared, and I have no idea why. I know Snake can take care of himself; I trust his skills 100%. The guy is just amazing. Yet when he got on the plane, I was terrified of him not coming back. I just don't know why. When he turned to leave, the feeling just hit me. I almost wanted to go on the field with him, just to make sure, but that would have meant completely screwing our plan over. I monitored the mission fiercely, but of course - the great Solid Snake had no problems in finding it. He planted the C4s.

Usually I monitor him just photographing evidence; maybe potting a tranquiliser dart shot into some blindly patrolling personnel. But my doubts faded as I saw him get to work. I don't know how old he is, thinking about it. To look at him I'd say he was near his forties - but the guy is amazingly fit. And if he really is that age, his body hasn't been damaged by time - even when I was building REX, there would have been no way in hell I could have climbed up it the way he did.

The whole time, I really felt awful. This wasn't just the usual mission. I was going to have to make sure there were no traces of this ever happening. I was praying the whole time no one would get caught in the blast when we set the explosives off. I was hoping Snake would make it out alright.

Since when did I get so worried about him being able to handle himself? That's what I'm wondering now. The mission went without a single hitch. Dave is asleep right now. He got back yesterday late. I've been keeping an eye on him. He's been mostly catching naps to make up for the time awake, or lazing in bed with a book when something wakes him up - the guy's a light sleeper during the day.

He got a bit annoyed when I tried to bring him food, though. I think he was embarrassed at the idea I might have been playing a nursemaid role (as if!) - he was tired, so I think that's why he's being grumpy. It's meant I've been pretty lonely, though. And I'm too embarrassed to sit at his bedside and chatter. It would just be weird, somehow.

And why the hell am I talking about him so much, this is my weblog. Maybe it's because I'm not all that interesting. I'm just a hacker-cum-engineer; and he's "The Legend" (he's proving to be legendary at sleeping, right now...) or maybe it's something else.

Still, I get respect at Philanthropy. We both got our praises for that last incident, at least from those in the core of the organization. Geez, and we deserved it too. My head still hurts from stressing out, like I do. At least I look and act calm, anyway.

Working, working. Had to go for a walk today, get out of the apartment for a while. Fresh air and all that... get some time to think. I feel quite cold now - I can't believe evening fell so swiftly.

I think I might get some sleep, my head is pounding.

Mood: Thoughtful

Saturday, April 26, 2006 - 10:35 p.m.

In the short break I got, I ended up doing a lot of chores. But you know what? I really had fun. Seriously.

Dave and I spent a good evening pointing out mistakes in ancient action movies. I swear, we're never going to shut up and enjoy a film. Well... speaking for myself, there. It annoys me when suddenly a computer-illiterate comes up with a password in under 40 seconds... and in the 80's too!

I fell asleep halfway through, no surprises there. I wish he'd woken me up though, as my neck seriously ached the next day.

I thought we'd just laze around and do nothing - except maybe phone for a pizza or something - but Dave being slightly more active and with a bit more imagination than I suggested we get the apartment decorated. I don't think he's big on DIY. Neither am I. But it was hilarious fun getting rid of the grey wall and turning it to a proper white, especially as we were just ribbing each other's painting skills the whole time. It looks great. The living room used to look so dingy, but just that splurge of paint has really made a difference. It wasn't hard either, as we haven't much in the way of furniture to move around (man, I wish our jobs were better paid!)

I know this will sound really lame, but just remember I haven't been around real people for so long, okay? It was great to get to know him better over the four days. Like, I learnt what kind of food he likes. And a milestone - we have a vaguely common interest! We both like noodles.

... Yeah, didn't that sound pathetic? But it was one of those little triumphs in my life. I don't have much else to celebrate, really!

Oh, except that boxset finally got to the door. I guess you know your priorities have changed when you choose eating dinner with your roommate over diving to the DVD player...! Yeah, I guess I learnt having a close friend is a really great thing, and I'm starting to feel less concerned around him than I was sometime ago: I kept trying to not step on his toes, I kept my thoughts to myself, but now I feel much better knowing he considers me his friend.

Anyway, we're back at work, harder than ever. I'm feeling nervous, as it looks like Dave's gonna be out in the field to track this unit down - yeah, a Metal Gear REX clone. It used to make me sick the whole time - I don't know whether its the knowing the human race can stoop so low, knowing how much of it was my fault in the first place, and, of course, knowing anything could happen to Dave should one of my inventions fail... I'd never forgive myself. But now, I'm used to it, I'm learning to accept. And for now, I'm not going to think about it. And mid-entry, surprise, surprise; he's calling me from the kitchen now... because, mmm. Something out there smells good...

Hm, just skimming/re-reading over this entry, I wonder if I come across a little weirder than normal. Well, I don't care - it's just me being me.

I'm off to attack some food!

Mood: Hungry!

Sunday, April 19, 2006 - 03:41 p.m.

... The title of the entry is what I managed to get out of sleeping beauty next door when I went to ask if he wanted something, like, to eat or drink round about lunchtime. Once he gets started, he just carries on and drinks too much...

I'm gonna take a photograph on that military digital camera he's got. Next time he's on a mission, he'll have a reminder of what he looks like hungover, and might be less inclined to try it again anytime soon. I'm not his nursemaid or anything. Don't get me wrong. But it would be nice if I had someone to talk to when I get up. I guess it's been so long since I had some real company, I'm getting withdrawals when I don't have it. Weird world, huh?

So, the blog is secure now. Tested it myself a few times. I got this clever little system that makes it so when you view the source code, it looks like a regular ages-old javascript, but it's not. Heh heh.

Two days free, and then HQ will give us a phone call. Not concerning anything important, but we still have to attend meetings like the rest of 'em. We do our thing without any regular members of Philanthropy knowing. Photographs we can have our fake names associated with. A sudden pile of scrap metal in a top-security base, no.

I think it's only occured to me during this little break how soon we managed all this. I don't even rightly know how I did all this. Or how I plucked up the courage to go back to Alaska to find my current partner and enlist his help. Or how in three days I managed to persuade him to go at all...

I'm thinking too deeply again. I need to kick this habit. I learnt it off of him, y'know. I never really thought about things too deeply barely a year back - which, I suppose, is why I'm paying for it now. I don't know, and I don't care - I just know what I'm doing now is right.

I found some information, at long last! I've been typing this entry since midday, whilst things have been downloading. Dave isn't gonna hear of this. I can't bear to not be working, and what else can I do right now?

... I lie. I just found a really cheap DVD set of Z.O.E online. I think I have some cash. Maybe.

... I'm too weak-willed. It's mine.

Later.

Mood: Good

Monday, April 14, 2006 - 10:17 p.m.

Yeah, hear that, everyone! I'm in a good mood.

Things have gone right in the last few days, and a good deal of worry I had has been shaved off the edge of my mind. Firstly, company success means Dave and I have nothing to do for the next few weeks... it makes me so happy when activism actually does change something instead of us taking direct action...

Secondly, Mei Ling has sent me a few data CDs packed full of useful... stuff. I'm dying to blurb here, but that's what Dave's ears are for, and I know how much it bores him when I do... which is partially why I do it. He's funny guy - I just don't get him. He's so tough and macho, but still pretends to listen to me. Still, it's an... amusing way, I shall say, to rant and get all I'm dying to say, but haven't been able to, off of my chest.

I've been venturing back into chatrooms and old haunts online, and it feels great to talk nonsense with other anime fans...! I never got the time at my last job.

God, I hate talking cryptic. Security on the 'net may be tight nowadays but the powers that be could still be reading every little thing I type on here (like hell could they access a file on my laptop. The thing's got more security than the Pentagon's system, and I can speak with the utmost truth, there...)

I'm gonna get to work on one of those CDs - there's a program on there somewhere that should only let my online log be read by those with permission. I'll heavily encrypt this thing so I can type all I want, and have no fear - unless there's someone else out there as good as me, they'll never be able to crack it.

I might go and do that now, while the time's free. After, I think Dave and I might be watching some old movies. I heard the door just click, and this usually means he's on a trip to the video rental store. There's not much else to do in this place, so when he's back, I think I'll see what plans he's got for free time. Because I'm hopeless - he's left the house more than I have, and probably has a better idea. That, and I'm still clueless as how to talk to him.

So... I'll be able to say more later when things look up. Later!

Mood: Content

Sunday, April 13, 2006 - 2:10 a.m.

I thought to myself, "this won't take too long. I can find a lead and present all the documents necessary at work for tomorrow if I work late tonight." And here I am, working at insane hours again. Dave's not gonna be happy. He's already told me to start sleeping at appropiate hours. He says I look pale and tired all the time. Which is pretty true, but then, I pretty much always have looked like that. Because I'm always working. I shouldn't really complain. This is my agenda and I know what I'm doing is for the greater good. I know this sounds really vague, but just consider it "company confidentiality".

So, what did I do today. Attempted to cook something for once. Usually I leave that up to Dave or of course whatever's the quickest to dial on the phone, but I wanted to cheer him up. He's really quiet now, more so than usual - I don't know why, but I guess he's upset about something. It's taken a while for me to notice... I'm no good at this sort of thing. I'm too nervous to ask what, but if he's any worse, then I have to talk to him - that's what friends are for. Right?

Was there originally a structure to this? I hate being tired, I think too much. Better sleep now... once I finish getting my partner, who's probably sleeping happily next door, this info. I swear its gotta be in this database...

Mood: Concern

Saturday, April 12, 2006 - 10:24 p.m.

Jeez, I go and make a log and find myself too busy to update it. And then Mei goes and gives me a call on my cell to ask what I've been doing recently; why haven't I been seen around etc etc. I guess it's a good thing after all I decided to get back online - then she can read this and stop calling me when I'm asleep.

Well, I suppose I really didn't have a choice in going back to the laptop. It's a sort of nature's call for me to be typing and coding. It's what I've done all my life, and the one thing I can call myself an expert on. But I seriously missed my online life whilst... some seriously nasty things happened in the real one. But I had some money, if not much, so now I have this machine. It's okay for a first buy, but of course I'm gonna upgrade when I get the chance.

It was pretty essential, because unlike my previous career, I'll be working from home. I'm not sure how I'm gonna deal with this. Sure, it means I can stay in bed longer and don't need to do overtime, as I'm completely unsupervised, but I don't know how I'm gonna deal with my work partner. He's also my flatmate, and I'm afraid we're going to drive each other up the wall.

We have nothing in common, but don't get me wrong. This guy is my best friend. Well - my only friend. But that's beside the point. Basically, I don't want to upset him by being my irritating key-clacking self, because I'd be devastated if things didn't work out. I mean, we've been struggling for almost half a year now, working on getting this little apartment furniture and turning it into our home. He's good to me, but he's moody a lot. Can't blame him. We both went through a lot of crap before we met.

I'm rambling... and I have to get to work. As computer-illiterate as he is, he can sure as hell read fast, and he might not like my description of him. So I'll cut here.

Hope the layout's alright. HTML is an easy third-level language, but I couldn't be bothered with anything fancy.

Mood: Thoughtful

Thursday, April 10, 2006 - 11:47 p.m.

I need sleep, and my flatmates grumpy. I'll do this test and then go to bed... I'm not sure when the last time I slept was...

Mood: Tired